My Chick Riff, “The Truth About Beets” has attracted a lot of attention and several pointed comments, both here and on Twitter. If you haven’t read the post, I compare and contrast my love of beets to the general loathing of beets, and use that as a segue to explain how my tastes in music also differ from the tastes of the general public. I then list a number of famous and honored artists whose music I can’t stand.
Most of the comments have attacked me as an airhead for my lack of musical sensibility and critical acumen. As a blonde, I’m used to the accusation of brainlessness, so I’m not offended in the least. The general tone and substance of the feedback is “How can you call yourself a music critic and not appreciate Depeche Mode, The Band, Bruce Springsteen . . . ” I appreciate that my readers realize that sado and masochism are separate functions and that they are willing to go out of their way to fulfill the masochistic needs that cannot be satisfied in my role as a dominant female.
Much to my delight, however, one person picked up on the twin theme of the post and replied by confessing his deep love and respect for this most misunderstood vegetable. Not only that, but he followed it up with a song! Imaginatively titling the piece “The Beet Song,” Mr. Ayrton Mugnaini, Jr. has written what will surely go down in musical history as the definitive ode to the beet. Furthermore, I believe his creation is worthy of an entirely new genre, which we will designate as “beet music.” The genre is easily identified by the slight Brazilian flavor manifested in Mr. Mugnaini’s accent and in a guitar style best described as Joao Gilberto attempting to emulate the rhythmic style of Django Reinhardt. These major influences are integrated with echoes of Eric Clapton (particularly the song “Cocaine”), the Go-Go’s and The Beetles—sorry, Beatles—of the Rubber Soul period.
The lyrics to this particular song validate the philosophy of female domination, as the narrator is motivated to eat beets primarily to please his mother, his “lady,” and the hordes of female admirers he encounters as an outcome of the age-defying physical stamina that results from regular beet consumption. I predict that men who find themselves addicted to a certain little purple pill will find it much more effective and much cheaper to buy sacks of the little purple vegetable to maintain their manliness. I have instructed my broker to buy up shares of the stocks of the leading beet company stocks to capitalize on the upcoming spike in worldwide demand. The Beet Bubble is right around the corner!
Mr. Mugnaini is well-versed in beets, correctly identifying the betalain pigment that gives the beet its royal purple color, but avoids using his superior knowledge of the magical vegetable to judge those who choose not to indulge (“I will never say/ ‘Don’t you eat no meat’/Or ‘I’d like you more/If you tried to eat some beet'”). I can only assume that his claim that he paints himself with beet is metaphorical—a passionate expression of deep purple appreciation. If so, that particular line would have been better accompanied by 200-decibel electric guitars and a drum kit manned by a gorilla. Mr. Mugnaini is also an accomplished musical historian, as his many painful lyrical puns clearly demonstrate.
Enough yammer! Listen for yourself and prepare to be dazzled. The lyrics have been reprinted below for your singalong convenience. Simply click the play button to launch an experience you won’t soon forget!
THE BEET SONG
by Ayrton Mugnaini Jr.
Beet, beet, beet, be it pickled
Or in a soup, it gets me tickled
For health and happiness
A beet I never miss
Mama says “take care,
Watch out what you eat”
Now she’s glad to know
That one thing I love is beet
I abhor white sugar
My life’s very sweet
With my lady’s kisses
And, for sure, a dish of beet
Beet, beet, I never miss a beet
I walk and prance
Run and dance
People going “wow
Not too bad
For a lad
Who’s nearly sixty now”
She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie, betaleine
I will never say
“Don’t you eat no meat”
Or “I’d like you more
If you tried to eat some beet”
But I mind my business
On my own two feet
I practice what I preach
Eating lots of beet
Beet, beet, I never miss a beet
And it’s not illegal
Not immoral
And not fattening
When I’m out
Girls wanna shout
It’s really flattering
I got the beet, we got the beet
What I think it’s right
I do and I’m proud
I think for myself
And I never mind the crowd
I hear a different drum
I walk to that beat
Be it red or any colour
Yes, I paint myself with beet
Beet, beet, I never miss a beet
Beet, beet, I never miss a beet
Beet, beet, beet, beet, yeah
© 2013 Ayrton Mugnaini Jr./Mugayr Music