Tag Archives: Pretenders

The Pretenders – Learning to Crawl – Classic Music Review


Chrissie conquers all and takes a giant step forward.  Click to buy.

Except for “Talk of the Town” and their amazing cover of The Kinks’ “I Go to Sleep,” Pretenders II didn’t really work for me. Some readers may be surprised, given my BDSM proclivities, that “Bad Boys Get Spanked” didn’t make the list. The truth is I despise the song: it perpetuates the stereotype that people get into BDSM because their mommies or daddies were mean to them.

Listen. My parents and I have always loved each other. For me, pain is part of the erotic experience. I don’t have any issues. When I am practicing BDSM, I’m not playing in the sense of “playing games.” I’m expressing my love and seeking gratification through a deeply personal, erotic style. End of discussion.

I also thought Chrissie was guilty of bad acting on that song, and equally so on “The Adultress.” For those reasons and more, I’m going to take a pass on Pretenders II and move on to the much more interesting and substantial Learning to Crawl.

Much had happened between these two albums. Drug abuse took the lives of the bass player and lead guitarist. Having already overcome many obstacles on her journey, Chrissie Hynde was already an expert in perseverance. She hired some temps, led the patchwork band to make one of their best singles, found the guys she really wanted and went on to record Learning to Crawl. What makes this such a superior record to either of the first two is Chrissie Hynde coming into her own as a songwriter with a social consciousness who can still rock with the best of them. Her voice sounds more confident and she infuses the entire production with forward-looking energy. I feel like I’m experiencing the whole person instead of just a part of her.

“Middle of the Road” is a terrific confirmation that the reconfiguration of The Pretenders represents a pulsating rebirth. Martin Chambers opens with a more energetic and confident display of drumming than he’d shown on the earlier works, and new guitarist Robbie McIntosh delivers a solid lead solo. The tight rhythms and energy open the door for Chrissie to ride the wave with her lead vocal, which is strongly enhanced by the enriched content of the lyrics. The title communicates both a shift in perspective due to maturity (she was my age when this was recorded) and a genuine concern about the world where she is raising a child. She still sings with street-wise confidence, but now she’s much more articulate:

In the middle of the road
You see the darndest things
Like fat cats driving around in jeeps through the city
Wearing big diamond rings and silk suits
Past corrugated tin shacks holed up with kids
And man I don’t mean a Hampstead nursery
But when you own a big chunk of the bloody Third World
The babies just come with the scenery

I always laugh when I hear the parting couplet, “I’m not the cat I used to be/I’ve got a kid, I’m thirty-three, baby.” While I understand there’s still a stigma attached to a woman with a kid, I was blown away when I learned that people back then considered thirty “old age” and ordered black balloons for birthday parties. I’ve never seen any evidence of a correlation between age and sprightliness. I’ve known people of all ages who were psychologically and spiritually dead, from eighteen to eighty, and I’ve known men and women classified as “senior citizens” who were far more alive than many of my millenial contemporaries (my partner and I fucked a couple in their fifties this past weekend, and it was one of the most intense and energetic sexual experiences of our lives). We’ll see this theme pop up now and again in Learning to Crawl, providing a culturally interesting subtext to what she was experiencing at this stage of her life.

“Back on the Chain Gang” had been released a little over a year before Learning to Crawl, and I’m thankful they included it on the album so people of the future like me wouldn’t have to dig through compilation albums to plot the band’s development path. Far more melodic than her earlier work, the lyrics are richer and more complex than “Middle of the Road,” peppered with bursts of emotion that alternate from happiness to deep bitterness and a desire for revenge against “the powers that be.” Some say this is song is at least in part about their late lead guitarist, James Honeyman-Scott, and I suppose the “I found a picture of you” line could be a reference. If that’s the case, though, the memory triggered is not of death but of the high-pressure rat race of the music business they experienced together. Now, if this were simply another song about poor, harried rock stars, “Back to the Chain Gang” would have been forgotten by now. What gives the song its power is Chrissie Hynde’s ability to move beyond personal experience to universal experience, and feel with all of us who are “victims of the system” spending our lives in the grind, in the “circumstance beyond our control” that saps our energies and leaves us little time for the truly important things like love and friendship. She saves the song from becoming an anti-capitalist rant by the stunning range of emotions she displays: the sweet cries of the “oh, oh, oh, oh, oh” line combining joy and pain; the mingling of acceptance and dread at the prospect of more time on the chain gang; and the love and bitterness expressed so powerfully in the bridge:

The powers that be
That force us to live like we do
Bring me to my knees
When I see what they’ve done to you.
But I’ll die as a I stand here today
Knowing that deep in my heart
They’ll fall to ruin one day
For making us part.

“Back on the Chain Gang” is a wonderfully rich song, including the respectful nod to Sam Cooke’s original, a song that Chrissie likely heard quite often during her Ohio youth.

“Time the Avenger” is another strong piece, with the band tightly driving the relentless rhythm that reflects the relentless march of advancing age. Here Chrissie isn’t talking about her own battle with age but the classic case of the middle-aged gent seeking to rediscover his youth between the legs of a younger paramour. Singing ahead of and behind the beats, Chrissie gives us a confident and varied lead vocal, flittering beautifully over the high-pressure feel of the music. She slips into the character of a housewife conquered by drudgery in “Watching the Clothes,” where the good little woman spends her Saturday nights in the laundromat after obediently serving the asshole of the house his dinner. Beneath the compliance we find deep resentment towards the system (“I’ve been kissing ass, trying to keep it clean/Serving the middle class, yeah, it’s a clean routine”) and the self (“There goes my Saturday night, I go without a fight”). The driving energy of the piece highlights the tension between reality and desire as she tediously describes the entire wash-and-rinse cycle. These two songs indicate that her time with Ray Davies influenced Chrissie’s choice of subject matter and opened her mind to the possibility of writing about social and interpersonal dynamics.

This influence becomes even clearer in “Show Me,” where the most memorable verse is Davies-like in both tone and content:

Welcome to the human race
With its wars, disease and brutality
You with your innocence and grace
Restore some pride and dignity
To a world in decline

Chrissie Hynde’s sense of modern society going down the toilet is colored by a  clearly-expressed need for love as the antidote to a poisonous environment. The song ends and fades with a passionate desire to find love in the muck, and her vocal here is both heartfelt and sincere. When I look back to her earlier work and compare it to Learning to Crawl, one of the biggest differences is that on this album she is no longer keeping her emotions at bay, but channeling those feelings into her vocals and lyrics without crossing the line into excess or sentiment. She’s showing us that strong women don’t have to lose their emotional intelligence in the process of gaining strength, a quality I adore in her work.

“Thumbelina” is a road song narrated by a woman who’s escaped a lousy marriage and takes her kid from the snowy rust belt to the sun belt. This isn’t really clear until the end of the song, when the narrator snarkily remarks, “What’s important in this life/Ask the man who lost his wife.” That sounds more bitter than liberating, so I see a failed reconciliation attempt in her future. The rockabilly flavor is there, but it could have been twangier . . . and the song feels comparatively weak because of its placement between two of Chrissie’s better songs.

The obnoxious and pompous right-wing fat ass Rush Limbaugh absconded the memorable opening bass riff to “My City Was Gone” to serve as the opening theme to his mean-spirited radio program, but it’s still a great song. The Ray Davies theme of preservation is applied to what passes for progress in the good old USA: destruction of the nice old downtown shopping area, diaspora of family in the pursuit of wealth, farms turned into freeways and shopping malls themed to muzak. The band is exceptionally tight on this track, balancing bass and lead guitar bite with solid drumming from Martin Chambers. Chrissie delivers another knockout vocal, this one more restrained with a tone of head-shaking wonder. In the old days, The Pretenders would have taken this groove and turned it into a sex song (it is a serious hip-shaker); Chrissie has refocused the band to apply the revolutionary spirit of rock to social and cultural issues straight out of Chrissie’s personal experience.

Chrissie didn’t write “Thin Line Between Love and Hate,” a hit for The Persuaders and covered by Annie Lennox and others. I really despise this song. The story is of a guy who cheats on his wife. She puts up with it for years . . . then she puts him in the hospital. I guess it’s supposed to be pro-feminist when the guy admits, “The sweetest woman in the world/Can be the meanest woman in the world/If you make her that way, you keep on hurting her.” Well, maybe that’s a step in the right direction, but to say there’s a thin line between love and hate is absurd. There may be a thin line between low self-esteem and hate, or between playing a role and hate, but it’s a long, long way between real, unconditional love and the will to harm another. The people in this song were never in love with each other: they were both insincere phonies until the little woman’s passive aggressiveness lost its passivity. She was an asshole before and even more of an asshole after putting her husband in the hospital. This song is abuse prevention for morons, and Chrissie should have left it alone. Worse, she repeats the theme in her own words in the context of dating a drug addict with “I Hurt You,” which describes the same endless cycle of “I hurt you/You hurt me.” The song has no flow whatsoever and the lyrics add up to a whole lot of nothing.

Learning to Crawl ends with flowing, melodic “2000 Miles,” an ode to the late James Honeyman-Scott, the original lead guitarist. His replacement, Robbie McIntosh, does a wonderful job with the picking and the fills, and Chrissie’s gentler, more vulnerable vocal style is very engaging. The picture she paints with the lyrics is crystal clear: I can see her in a house full of Christmas revelers, but she is in another room, maybe her childhood bedroom, watching the snowfall and remembering James. She can hear people singing carols on a subliminal level, but what she is experiencing is the anguish of separation that the holidays often accentuate. It’s a lovely little number, a strong recovery from the two preceding tracks and a very nice way to end the album:

Partially wistful, definitely perceptive and truly a great leap forward for Chrissie Hynde’s songwriting ability, Learning to Crawl may be an album of unwanted rebirth, but it’s a beautiful rebirth all the same.

My review of Pretenders.

Pretenders – Pretenders (Album) – Classic Music Review


Buy it for Chrissie.

If you were to believe the reviews that were written at the time of its release, you might be convinced that Pretenders represented a major advance in human civilization. Five star reviews everywhere. #1 in the UK seconds after it hit the shelves. Today it’s a top-rated album on both AllMusic and Rolling Stone. Even that ornery prick Robert Christgau gave it an A-minus.

To borrow a phrase from Chrissie Hynde, don’t get me wrong—I think Pretenders is a pretty good début album. Chrissie clearly demonstrates the “It Factor” and a few of the songs are seriously fucking hot. Groundbreaking? Hardly. The songs are a combination of classic kick ass rock and early 60’s girl group patterns. Innovative? Not in the least. It might make my Top 10 Debut Albums List if I decided to bother with one, but it wouldn’t make my Top 100, 200 or 300 album list. Compared to début albums like Are You Experienced, In the Court of the Crimson King, The Doors, Definitely Maybe and Fresh Cream, Pretenders doesn’t even come close.  It’s an album that shows promise and potential. Chrissie Hynde would fulfill that promise and potential; two of the other three would be dead in a couple of years.

I’ve heard a couple of theories as to why this record has been consistently overrated since its release. NME blamed Melody Maker for advance-hyping the band in a lame attempt to become relevant again. That sounds partially credible, since The Sex Pistols had taken advantage of the moguls’ obsession with discovering the next new thing and their ability to turn that new thing into a sure thing with intense advance publicity campaigns. The more plausible theory had do with timing. The music on the airwaves at the dawn of the 80’s was so overwhelmingly lifeless that people must have been desperate for something with a little kick. When you’ve elevated Blondie, The Police and The Cars to semi-legendary status, you are the definition of desperate.

What makes the whole thing work is Chrissie Hynde, a genuine American rust-belt rocker with muscle cars and bikers in her blood. After spending years wandering through the U. K. music scene going nowhere fast, events conspired to give her fifteen minutes of fame. She took full advantage of the opportunity in the long run by simply being herself: a strong woman with the courage to reveal vulnerabilities; a devotee of rock ‘n’ roll fundamentals; and a singer with exceptional expressive variation. In many ways she’s a traditionalist; in other ways a radical. At the core, though, she’s a woman who makes no fucking apologies for being a woman and over the years has expressed what it feels like and means to be a woman better than any of those broads who make their living writing exceptionally dull books about womanhood.

Just look at the fucking album cover and tell me who’s in charge!

Chrissie takes charge from the get-go with one of my favorite all-time female vocals in “Precious,” one of three songs on this album that are always on my fuck playlists. Alternating between hands-on-hips cockiness, cooing flirtatiousness, warm growls and tongue-in-the-ear whispering, the vocal performance on “Precious” is an instructional manual on how to seduce and keep the electric wires of sexual tension flowing with juice. And that description just covers the verses—the vocal on the middle eight adds the feel and variation of sexual play dynamics as she modulates her tones on the three double syllables of do-it-do-it-do-it. When she gets to the “fuck off” line, that’s just icing on the cake or the post-fuck cigarette. “Precious” also demonstrates the fundamental weakness of Pretenders: Chrissie’s way more talented than the backing band. For the most part, they’re at their best when they manage not to interfere with her performance.

After that stunning opener, the album takes a steep turn downhill. “The Phone Call” features a really tedious power chord riff and an overuse of effects on Chrissie’s vocal, which is pretty much buried anyway. “Up The Neck” is a bit better, for at least Chrissie’s voice is clear and audible; however, the description of this sexual experience is pretty ugly, with sweaty lust turning to anger and violence. As an expert practitioner of the sadomasochistic arts, the kind of uncontrollable, undisciplined violence pictured here is as unacceptable as rape. I think Chrissie gets that, as the line “Bondage to lust, abuse of facility/Blackmailed emotions confuse the demon and devotee” indicates, but it’s such reprehensible behavior that I can hardly bear to listen to the song. To cap it off, I hate sweaty males. Once a guy drops a bead of perspiration on my skin, that sonofabitch is fucking gone!

“Tattooed Love Boys” is another miss for me, as the band keeps fumbling the beat, a major distraction to say the least. The lyrics are suggestive to the extreme, so you have no clear idea what the fuck is happening in the song. “Space Invader” is a waste of studio time, as it’s a filler instrumental by a barely average band.

While hardly a lyrical masterpiece, the band finally gets it together and kicks some serious ass in “The Wait.” Pete Farndon contributes with a few hot bass runs, Martin Chambers does a fine job with the sticks and Jimmy Honeyman-Scott plays one of his more lively lead solos. Really, though, this song is about Chrissie Hynde in semi-scat mode and the excitement she generates playing with syllables and phrasing. It’s a knockout performance.

In one of the greatest reclamation projects in human history, Chrissie manages to save one of Ray Davies’ worst songs from the cruel fate it completely deserved. When I first heard The Kinks’ “Stop Your Sobbing,” I rolled around on the floor in hysterical, convulsive laughter. The song is so fucking dumb and so fucking sexist that I could hardly believe my ears, and Ray’s delivery of the “Stop it, stop it” lines turns him into the epitome of silliness. I have to admire Chrissie Hynde for seeing any potential in this piece of crap, and even more for turning it into an acceptable bit of music. The gender change eliminates the sexist angle and more than makes up for the dearth of emotional intelligence communicated in Ray’s version. Perhaps Ray pursued Chrissie out of sheer gratitude for helping to wipe out memories of an embarrassing lapse in judgment.

“Kid” comes next, and though it’s a Pretenders fan favorite, I see it as a faded rehash of 60’s girl group music. I could go on a rant on how often the bands of this era simply recycled songs from earlier eras, but I’ll limit my bitching my simply pointing out that “Kid” recycles the “Angel Baby” pattern just like The Police did with the boring “Every Breath You Take” a few years later. Chrissie’s vibrant display of emotional intelligence is diminished as a result. “Private Life” is Chrissie’s venture into reggae, but even she admitted that Grace Jones’ version is better. The background vocals are hideous, the effects on Chrissie’s voice distracting and the song goes on far too long. I appreciate the sonic variation but little else.

It’s an entirely different story with “Brass in Pocket.” This is one of my favorite posing songs to open a scene, because when I step into the bedroom in my leather harness with my C’s exposed, silver nipple clamps, studded leather gauntlets, riding crop in my hand and my black thigh high boots with the few inches of skin between boot top and crotch glistening with wetness, the line “I’ve got to have some of your attention, give it to me!” is the perfect accompaniment! It may be a superfluous instruction to the viewer, who’s already either hard or dripping wet, but the line and the way Chrissie sings it fills me with a heightened sense of confidence and power. Her vocal is as perfect as perfect gets, using a few softly delivered lines to lower the heat a bit so you don’t explode when she turns the flame up high. This is a song about a woman reaching for confidence, and in that sense, it’s one of the most beautiful songs I’ve ever heard.

“Lovers of Today” serves as the slow dance number on Pretenders, and hints at one theme that Chrissie would explore with more impact in the future: the tension between fear of rejection and the intense desire for closeness. The fade out line, “No, I’ll never feel like a man in a man’s world,” is the simple truth that every woman I know has come to realize at one time or another: the macho male insistence that feelings represent weakness still dominates thinking in modern society. The only thing I regret is that it’s a fade out line, for this is a much more perceptive and helpful observation than the “we can be guys, too” message that has pretty much rendered feminism as useless as a turd. Equally useless is the Sponge Bob Toyota introduction to “Mystery Achievement,” a throwaway song that makes a poor choice for an album closer (though I do like the chorus).

Since Pretenders came out about a year and a half before my little goo-covered body entered the realm of the living, I wasn’t affected by all the hype that led up to and followed its release. My opinion is that the value of Pretenders comes down to one thing: it was the album that gave Chrissie Hynde her shot at a musical career, and that’s more than good enough for me.

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