(C)2006, Derek Ramsey Photo (c)2006 Derek Ramsey (Ram-Man), GFDL 1.2 <http://www.gnu.org/licenses/old-licenses/fdl-1.2.html&gt;, via Wikimedia Commons

Do you ever get the feeling that you want to blow the whole thing up and start over? Well, that’s what I decided to do during the week leading up to my birthday.

Berlin

It all started when I woke up on Sunday, July 25, to the news of the attack on Berlin Pride. Because I am an LGBTQ person with several connections to LGBTQ friends in Berlin, I fully expected to get a call from my director asking me to hop on a plane to Berlin to assess the temperature in the community. While waiting for the call, I decided to get ahead of the curve and called some of my connections, assuming I’d hear from the boss sooner or later. My friends told me that the situation had begun to deteriorate before the tragedy, in the form of verbal and physical attacks by right-wingers. This was surprising because Berlin had always been a haven for non-heterosexuals, and now people were getting scared.

Two days later, I still hadn’t heard from my boss, so I called her. When I opened up the subject of right-wing attacks, she cut me off and told me that the situation was being handled by immigration and the local police, and I was not to get involved. She reminded me that the EU does not interfere with state politics, and that it was up to the Germans to deal with the right-wing as they see fit. I replied, “I will send you my resignation immediately.” I was already pretty frustrated with the EU due to the rightward shift of the EU Parliament, and in all the time I worked there, I could only count one or two success stories where I made a real difference. The fundamental problem in most democracies today is toxic partisan politics, and I will never work in a politically oriented organization again.

Since a contractor cannot receive unemployment benefits if they leave before the contract ends, you might think quitting was a dumb move on my part, but I already had a backup plan that worked like a charm. Our consultancy remained operational, generally limited to Alicia’s accounting work, but after joining the EU, I continued to provide free advice to all our clients. When Alicia and I went to Quebec City for our vacation, we popped down to Montreal one night to have dinner with a client. She begged me to take on a new project she had in mind, and while it sounded pretty exciting, I told her I’d have to think about it, given my job at the EU. After I emailed my resignation, I called her to accept the gig.

The aspect of consulting I most enjoyed was the ability to work on my own schedule, leaving plenty of room for fun and games. Most of the meetings with clients were Zoom calls from home, and whenever we met with a client live and in person, we’d always tack on an extra day or two to take in the sights. So, instead of trying to land a job, I’m returning to the consulting world, helping NGOs strengthen their messaging to increase participation and donations from their supporters. I will continue working in the field of human rights, but this time as a volunteer. Domestic violence is a serious problem in Ireland, and I have a lot of experience in the field that I can put to good use.

I have exited the chrysalis, and now I’m a free-floating butterfly.

Growing Pessimism and Schedule-Phobia

When we returned from our around-the-world honeymoon, I had decided that the world was worth saving and I wanted to make a significant contribution to human rights. Alas, things didn’t work out with the EU, and over the past few months I’ve become more pessimistic about our future due to the obvious failure of efforts to stop global warming and the emergence of a new Axis of Evil, led by two Cold War enemies: the United States and Russia. Many countries have taken a hard right turn, increasing the likelihood of forever wars, more pollution, oppression of minorities and “undesirables,” and the collapse of basic human rights. I was naïve to think I could have made a difference in such a poisonous environment. The depressing big picture has also impacted my writing. Distracted by the daily flood of bad news, I have been experiencing bouts of writer’s block, and the pressure of the weekly schedule only makes things worse.

In addition to rekindling the consultancy, I need to chill out, stop doomscrolling, and cut back on the review schedule, writing only when my head is clear and the music motivates me. I will continue to publish reviews on Sundays, but not every week. From my perspective, I will have completed my study of a century of popular music when I finish up with Bob Dylan, my survey of music in the post-WWI period, and a handful of albums that contribute to the overall narrative. I’ll also carve out some time to clean up earlier reviews that need it and reformat them in the song-by-song structure for consistency’s sake. That effort will probably take a year or so, and I might publish new reviews when the inspiration strikes.

I want to assure readers that I have no intention of shutting down the site. A couple of months ago, I checked my online presence and found that several sites link to my reviews. I hate the thought of leaving those folks with dead links, so for better or worse, the altrockchick will leave her legacy open to the public for the foreseeable future.